danandbrian

YOUR DAILY APPLE... with Dr. Pat

Congratulations America!  

"Universal" health care is no longer a dream.  It is a bright, shining reality.

After some last minute concessions, the bill was universally supported and passed in a sweeping 219-212 vote.

I personally feel warm inside that Republicans and Democrats put their partisan politics aside and came together to agree on a bill that will extend insurance coverage to tens of millions of Americans at a cost of nearly $1 Trillion.

I know it sounds like a lot of money but don't worry, our elected officials have come up with a foolproof plan to pay for it.

• We are going to tax the hell out of people who are currently able to afford their own insurance plan.  Not only are we going to increase the medicare tax they pay on their income we are also going to tax them on the cost of their health care plan.  That way we can make it harder for people to pay for their own insurance and then they can fall back and depend on our nationally subsidized insurance.  Eat it you moderately wealthy people!

• We are going to make it harder for people to deduct health care costs from their taxes.  Now people will have to spend 10% of their total income on health care before they can deduct any of that money.  Eat it you sick people!

 

• We are going to stick it to doctors and hospitals by setting ridiculous outcomes standards in patient care and not pay them when they don't meet them.  Medicine is based on science right?  Science is based on facts.  Facts are based on facts.  And a fact is a fact 100% of the time.  If those doctors can get their facts straight 100% of the time then we aren't going to pay them.  Sure taking care of patients is often more an art than a science, but we don't care. We'll help those doctors out by paying them less - Mo' money, Mo' problems.  Eat it you doctors!

 

• And finally, we are going to place a 10% tax on indoor tanning.  Wait before you laugh... It is true that a year ago this would probably have little impact on raising a significant amount of money to contribute to a $1 Trillion budget.  But thanks to MTV and the Jersey Shore, everyone is all about GTL.  For those of you who don't know, that means Gym, Tanning, Laundry.  The magic recipe to having guido night out.  Many thanks to The Situation!  

 

If that reference is lost on you guys, well... GAL.   Or just take it for what it is and go invest in a Sunless Tanning Salon.  Business at those places is going to be off the hook soon.  People are going to want to avoid paying the tanning tax and they will be more afraid of getting skin cancer.  Because now that we are going closer to the European health care system, you'll have to wait a few months to get surgery for your melanoma scheduled.  Unless, of course, you're rich or some big time politician.

Trust me... I'm a doctor.

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After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future posts.

When Blogging Goes Too Far

While Dan and Brian have come up with some witty catch phrases for their website, I think we can all call it like it is.  

If it sounds like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably a BLOG.  

That's right, the so-called "curators of everything" are really just a pair of eccentric bloggers. Really no big deal.  It's a pretty cool blog, and it certainly makes my internet smaller. 

However, Dan has taken it too far.  He is apparently so into this Blog thing that he not only makes fun of guest bloggers not having as much of a presence on his site, he has also formed his own Blogger gang.  

It's totally true.  Check out the picture of Dan dressed up in his favorite track suit and flashing his "new" gang sign.

 

Pretty retarded...

Anyway, I don't think anyone out there has anything to worry about from a new gang war.  So far Dan has only been able to "jump in" two members.  Himself and COMAFNIRDPAC and they are both one-hitter quitters.

Not to mention that Brian pretty much dominates the shit out of this thing.  Have you seen the size of his name?

Who Needs Food?

Apparently Wisconsin doesn't. 

They just need bars. 

I guess that helps explain the rampant obesity in those parts.

And I always thought those folks were large because of all the sausage they eat.  But now that I think about it...people are usually drunk or drinking when they eat sausage. And if people from Wisconsin are always eating sausage than that means people from Wisconsin are always drunk.

Wow.

That just blew my mind.  I need a beer.

 Thanks: http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/

Chill Out About Climate Change.

CLIMATE CHANGE

So, I've been reading the PRESS recently.  And as far as I'm concerned the only real issue with climate change is polar bears. 

The ice bergs are melting! 

The polar bears are crying! 

Polar bears! POLAR BEARS!! POLAR BEARS!!!

This all comes at the same moment we are given a serious stink eye for driving ANYWHERE...as if our legs were LITERALLY Herculean. Day in and day out we are bombarded with liberal propaganda in which the torridly sad tale of the polar bear is thrown in our face.  One such example comes from the UK organization Plane Stupid in which we literally see polar bears falling from the sky.  

Polar Bear from Plane Stupid on Vimeo.

They got one thing right.  This is PLANE STUPID!  There are just too many reasons to discredit everything about this video. 

a) Polar Bears don't fly. 

b) Polar Bears don't live in urban environments.

c) Polar Bears are huge and ferocious...they would never let some pathetic human nobodys toss them around so casually. 

AND THEY DON'T!

Polar Bears are just as frightening and malicious as ever. In fact, they are staging a revolt. A massive one. One that could very well require a new kind of missile defense.  Polar bears are trying to take over the world.  Here is only but a taste:

 

Chill out about China.

CHINA.

I made the word so large because China is so large -- both in land mass and population.  We've been taught to fear the rising red tide that is the People's Republic.  And to a certain extent I've subscribed to such fear mongering.  Ever since the Opening Ceremonies for the Beijing Summer Olympics, I've been slowly gathering dry goods, ammunition, and low risk stock assets.  

Justification for such fear has been based on the fact that the tent-poles of the Chinese political juggernaut have always been overpopulation, censorship, and an absolutely massive military. And due to China's ever growing global economic influence, these Communist stylings have been starting to feel all too close to home.   

But alas, we need not worry any longer -- as it turns out neither overpopulation, censorship, nor the fact that its military is well over double the size of the United States Armed Forces are really that big of a deal.  

Overpopulation:

John Lennon and Yoko Ono spell it out for us.  It's not a big deal.  So, the Chinese, Irish Catholics, and Mormons can go on making billions of babies. 

Censorship: 

Not to be feared.  In fact, it is more something to be admired, as it is increasingly the inspiration for artistic expression. What would the Renaissance artists have done without the Pope?

Check out the below map of Chinese censorship.  Pretty neat! I believe Google recently stumbled upon this and was so impressed that they reneged on their earlier threats to pull out of  China.  

 Massive Military:

Actually quite beautiful and should not be feared but encouraged.  As long as China is spending their military resource to put on great shows like this, we'll all be in a good place.  It's like Cirque du Soliel but with thousands of tanks and jets and millions of technicolor soldiers. 

And if this next video doesn't quell your fears, nothing will.  The Chinese military is just super into dance parties and techno and hotties wearing Prada skirts.

What does the future hold for the Tiger Woods? by Dr. Pat

There's been a lot of recent buzz in the headlines about the Tiger Woods.  And if you haven't noticed, things sound pretty grim.

The Tiger, once a fierce and feared predator on the top of his game, is on the verge of extinction.  To the Tiger's credit, this is not for lack of trying.  They apparently have been trying to reproduce like crazy.  Woudn't you be a sex addict if the survival of your species depended on it?

We, it seems, are the problem.  For quite some time, we have been getting all up in the Tiger's business.  We hunt and kill him, we tear down and destroy his home, and we put goofy pictures of him on uniforms and cereal boxes.  The Tiger doesn't like to be killed and he probably doesn't appreciate all this attention.  The Tiger is a solitary animal, often requiring a 200 square mile expanse of land all to himself - just to get by.  You see, the Tiger and the Woods do not exist without each other.  Well, I guess you could have Woods without the Tiger but then it would just be called "the Woods" and that is pretty boring.

Anyway, I think we need to do whatever possible to save the Tiger and his Woods.  Let's get some positive headlines out there like: "The Tiger Woods is making a comeback", "The Tiger is back on Top", or "No longer endangered?: evidence shows large recent increase in Tiger cubs."

I hope the future is bright for the Tiger Woods.  I don't want my children to grow up in world where the only large cat they hear about is the haggard, old cougar.  

Average Homeboy.

It's weird how people get famous later.  Like Van Gogh.  Or Denny Hazen. 

Leonard Nimoy.

Most know him as Spock from Star Trek. Few know him as director, photographer, singer, songwriter, and creepy-obsessive Lord of the Rings fan. 

Now, you do. 

Hulk Hogan.

America.  More appropriately known as Land of the Heroes.  Inspiration for Avatar's mystical 'Pandora'.  Birthplace of every single US president to date, not to mention baseball great Oral Hershiser, R&B sensation Jason DeRulo, and, of course, Hulk Hogan.