Congratulations America!
"Universal" health care is no longer a dream. It is a bright, shining reality.
After some last minute concessions, the bill was universally supported and passed in a sweeping 219-212 vote.
I personally feel warm inside that Republicans and Democrats put their partisan politics aside and came together to agree on a bill that will extend insurance coverage to tens of millions of Americans at a cost of nearly $1 Trillion.
I know it sounds like a lot of money but don't worry, our elected officials have come up with a foolproof plan to pay for it.
- We are going to tax the hell out of people who are currently able to afford their own insurance plan. Not only are we going to increase the medicare tax they pay on their income we are also going to tax them on the cost of their health care plan. That way we can make it harder for people to pay for their own insurance and then they can fall back and depend on our nationally subsidized insurance. Eat it you moderately wealthy people!
- We are going to make it harder for people to deduct health care costs from their taxes. Now people will have to spend 10% of their total income on health care before they can deduct any of that money. Eat it you sick people!
- We are going to stick it to doctors and hospitals by setting ridiculous outcomes standards in patient care and not pay them when they don't meet them. Medicine is based on science right? Science is based on facts. Facts are based on facts. And a fact is a fact 100% of the time. If those doctors can get their facts straight 100% of the time then we aren't going to pay them. Sure taking care of patients is often more an art than a science, but we don't care. We'll help those doctors out by paying them less - Mo' money, Mo' problems. Eat it you doctors!
- And finally, we are going to place a 10% tax on indoor tanning. Wait before you laugh... It is true that a year ago this would probably have little impact on raising a significant amount of money to contribute to a $1 Trillion budget. But thanks to MTV and the Jersey Shore, everyone is all about GTL. For those of you who don't know, that means Gym, Tanning, Laundry. The magic recipe to having guido night out. Many thanks to The Situation!
If that reference is lost on you guys, well... GAL. Or just take it for what it is and go invest in a Sunless Tanning Salon. Business at those places is going to be off the hook soon. People are going to want to avoid paying the tanning tax and they will be more afraid of getting skin cancer. Because now that we are going closer to the European health care system, you'll have to wait a few months to get surgery for your melanoma scheduled. Unless, of course, you're rich or some big time politician.
Trust me... I'm a doctor.
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