danandbrian

Your Daily Apple... with Dr. Pat

I don't know about all you, but when I am having a hard time with life, I turn to God.

I read the bible, I say the our father, I sing hymns.  Sometimes I even speak in tongues and act like I'm having a seizure.

But I'm not one for church because I don't like to share God with other people. 

Well, I might go to church if they had girls like this in the choir:

Her name is Kina Grannis and she has some pipes.  She has a bunch of pretty cool covers of well-known songs that she sings to her own style, and her own album which I know absolutely nothing about.  If you're interested, it is at least worth checking out some of her covers.  Just move on to the next one after she is done singing and before she starts talking in her video-blog thing.

I don't know about you, but the whole speaking thing totally kills the whole, 'This hot girl with a great voice is staring at me and singing me a song' thing that I get going.  And that is a self-esteem boost that no anti-depressant can compete with.

Trust me...  I'm a doctor.

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After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future posts.

Your Daily Apple... with Dr. Pat

Insomnia can be a horrible thing.

The fatigue.  The burning red eyes.  The Billy Mays full-length infomercials for Oxyclean and the news-mercials about colon cleansing (Thank god those two groups didn't pair up).  The hours staying awake at night when the rest of the world is dreaming of peach trees and sugar plum fairies (or something like that). 

There really is nothing more frustrating than being utterly tired but unable to fall asleep.  Forced into a staring contest with a clock that cockily moves faster just to show how much sleep you are not going to get.

Well, here is a track by a guy who feels you:  Milosh - Couldn't Sleep.

   Couldn't Sleep

It seems that Milosh can't sleep because of troubles with a woman.  Something about feeling bad for making her cry or feeling like he is going to fall apart.  I know what it is like to feel like you are going to fall apart, and let me tell you, that will keep you up at night.  But feeling bad for making a woman cry...  Come on, Milosh.  Ear plugs work great at keeping out that noise and letting you get a full night's sleep.

Trust me... I'm a doctor.

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After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future posts.

Your Daily Apple... with Dr. Pat

Altruism...

Defined by Webster's Dictionary as "the unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others."

It's a hot topic these days with all the crying over the environment and the impending disastrous changes to the U.S. health care system.  Apparently, it is so hot, some people think it is sexy...

But let's be honest with ourselves.  Let's call a spade a spade.

We evolved from animals.  

We are fu*king animals.  

Fu*king dirty, selfish animals hard wired to seek out and acheive our own pleasure.  Little dopamine receptors in our brain are sitting there salivating for some input.   Drugs, alcohol, sex, falling in love, laughing at a good movie - it's all dopamine and it makes us feel good.  

For some poor souls, their brains gets wired all crazy and they get off on their own pain or other peoples' pain, or being helpful to others and feeling important.   

That's what altruism is - people getting themselves off by doing "selfless" things to help others. But if it didn't make them feel good in the end, no way they'd do it.

So go ahead and fall on your sword if you want to but don't look down on me for getting what I need too.

I like to make fun of retards.  But really, it's totally fine because they don't even know you're doing it. 

Trust me... I'm a doctor.

_____________________________________________________________________________

After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future posts.

YOUR DAILY APPLE... with Dr. Pat

Wednesday, humpday...Halfway through the work week. 

I don't know about all you people but I could use a moment for me.  A little time to decompress, relax, clear the mind, and take it all in. 

What better way to welcome in the impending end to the work week this evening than chilling out, having a cocktail and listening to some music.  It couldn't come a day too soon.

Along those lines, here is some good drinking, relaxing, thinking music.   This time a girl with a band and a powerful, soulful voice.  Enjoy...

For those of you who know Sia, her studio album doesn't give proper credit to her talent.  The album is overproduced and her voice falls flat on it.   However, the KCRW session from which this song is from showcases just how amazing her voice really is.  

So put this song on repeat while you think about the things you are awesome at but that no one else seems to notice or give you credit for.  

If you listen to it at least 5 times, people will still fail to give you any credit for your awesomeness, but you will at least know where you stand.  And knowing is half the battle.

Trust me... I'm a doctor.

_____________________________________________________________________________

After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future posts.

YOUR DAILY APPLE... with Dr. Pat

Today is truly an apple...

Fiona Apple.

Kind of like a guy with guitar, there is just something about about a girl with a smoky voice and a piano that just makes everything better.

Well, I don't recommend listening to that song if you in a bad relationship or just had a bad break-up, then Fiona's smoky voice might make you want to set a warm bath, light some candles, and break out the razor blades.

But if you aren't having any relationship issues, just enjoy the sultry, eloquent musings of this bright eyed beauty and everything will be better.  

Unless you are having issues with an eating disorder...then you better try this version:

Elvis adds his own brand of bravado to the song and, in my opinion, kills some of the emotion and subtlety of the original.  But then again, you'd kind of expect that from an Irish guy who though Elvis Costello was a better name than some form of the name he was given -  Declan Patrick McManus.

Douchebag... a talented song writer and singer, but still a douchebag.

Trust me... I'm a doctor.

_____________________________________________________________________________

After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future posts.

YOUR DAILY APPLE... with Dr. Pat

There are a lot of people out there who don't have faith in modern medicine.  Well, if you consider Seventh Day Adventists, Scientologists, and Jenny McCarthy as a lot of people.   I have no problem with them as long as they don't come crying for help when they get sick and L. Ron Hubbard or Jim Carey let them down.

That's not totally true. If I could, I would yell at those schmucks just like this:

But I can't play a guitar that well, I can't sing, and I am not hooking up with a girl who is a kick ass drummer and is pretending to be my sister.  So instead I say nothing.

Those of you who need a little medicine, and are willing to accept it, take one of these and I promise you will feel better.

You feel like a million bucks don't you... or at least like a fat wad of cash you might win playing Othello.

I'm sorry, Jenny, this medicine isn't going to cure Autism but neither will measles, mumps, rubella, diptheria, pertussis, or tetanus.

Trust me...  I'm a doctor.

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After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future post

YOUR DAILY APPLE... with Dr. Pat

Congratulations America!  

"Universal" health care is no longer a dream.  It is a bright, shining reality.

After some last minute concessions, the bill was universally supported and passed in a sweeping 219-212 vote.

I personally feel warm inside that Republicans and Democrats put their partisan politics aside and came together to agree on a bill that will extend insurance coverage to tens of millions of Americans at a cost of nearly $1 Trillion.

I know it sounds like a lot of money but don't worry, our elected officials have come up with a foolproof plan to pay for it.

• We are going to tax the hell out of people who are currently able to afford their own insurance plan.  Not only are we going to increase the medicare tax they pay on their income we are also going to tax them on the cost of their health care plan.  That way we can make it harder for people to pay for their own insurance and then they can fall back and depend on our nationally subsidized insurance.  Eat it you moderately wealthy people!

• We are going to make it harder for people to deduct health care costs from their taxes.  Now people will have to spend 10% of their total income on health care before they can deduct any of that money.  Eat it you sick people!

 

• We are going to stick it to doctors and hospitals by setting ridiculous outcomes standards in patient care and not pay them when they don't meet them.  Medicine is based on science right?  Science is based on facts.  Facts are based on facts.  And a fact is a fact 100% of the time.  If those doctors can get their facts straight 100% of the time then we aren't going to pay them.  Sure taking care of patients is often more an art than a science, but we don't care. We'll help those doctors out by paying them less - Mo' money, Mo' problems.  Eat it you doctors!

 

• And finally, we are going to place a 10% tax on indoor tanning.  Wait before you laugh... It is true that a year ago this would probably have little impact on raising a significant amount of money to contribute to a $1 Trillion budget.  But thanks to MTV and the Jersey Shore, everyone is all about GTL.  For those of you who don't know, that means Gym, Tanning, Laundry.  The magic recipe to having guido night out.  Many thanks to The Situation!  

 

If that reference is lost on you guys, well... GAL.   Or just take it for what it is and go invest in a Sunless Tanning Salon.  Business at those places is going to be off the hook soon.  People are going to want to avoid paying the tanning tax and they will be more afraid of getting skin cancer.  Because now that we are going closer to the European health care system, you'll have to wait a few months to get surgery for your melanoma scheduled.  Unless, of course, you're rich or some big time politician.

Trust me... I'm a doctor.

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After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future posts.

YOUR DAILY APPLE... with Dr. Pat

There are impersonators and impostors all around us.  

In addition to the people you call your "friends", you have to look out for bacteria and viruses who often gain access to our bodies by making our cells think they are something else.  Then once we let them inside, they turn on us and wreak havoc.

We don't have the space here to get into the details of how this works on a molecular level so I am going to try to explain how this works using an example we can all relate to.

It's kind of like going to Youtube and searching for You only live Once by the Stokes and then getting this:

You may end up with a headache, then maybe progress to some nausea, vomiting, stomach cramps, diarrhea.  And if you're really sensitive you may end up with meningitis and start having fevers.  

Or maybe you're into that kind of thing and you strip down to your bikini briefs, pull out your pan flute to play along, and nance around your apartment for 7 minutes.

Those of you who feel ill, here's the treatment:

Trust me... I'm a doctor.

YOUR DAILY APPLE... with Dr. Pat

 The dreaded post St. Patrick's day blues... Not so much the color, but blue would be a good transition from green.  We're talking about the headache, the nausea, the fatigue - the HANGOVER.

All you self-respecting Irish and the honorary Irish should have some degree of one, and the rest of you posers hopefully managed to eke one out.

So to get you, and myself through the day, I'm going to discuss possible hangover cures.

 
 The Headache:

    Do - Advil, Alleve, Aspirin, or similar type of NSAID medication.

    Don't - Tylenol.  The enzymes in your liver that process the alcohol you drank are the same that process Tylenol.  If those enzymes are too worn out from your drinking, the tylenol can actually get processed into something that is toxic to your liver.  Not good for next year's St. Patrick's Day.

 

The Nausea:

   Ride that wave right to the toilet.  Unless you have access to a doctor friend (like me), there really isn't much you can do for this without prescription medication.

   

    

The Dehydration:

    Do - Drink gatorade or pedialyte or some other electrolyte solution along with a salty, fatty breakfast.  Or if you have access again to a doctor friend (like me), get yourself a few liters of fluid poured directly into your body via an IV.  Or even better, if you are a skinny blond girl, find another skinny blond girl to pour water in your mouth just because it's something to do.

    Don't - Drink coffee.  It will just make you pee more and make you more dehydrated. 

 

The overall feeling like ass-ness:

   Do - Find some way to just sleep it off.  The less time you are conscious, the less time you have to feel like shit.

   Don't - Complain to other people that you feel like ass.  If they are your boss, you will look like an irresponsible schmuck.  If they are your friends, they will also feel like too much ass to hear you.  Or if they do hear you, they might vomit all over your shoes just to prove a point.

  

Unfortunately, there is no clear cut way to cure a hangover.  Although, I am pretty sure that abiding by the rule of the Hair of the Dog (continuing to drink alcohol the morning after) prevents the problem outright.  If you are still drunk, I don't think you can technically have a hangover.  

That means you should get up today and keep on drinking.  The only problem is that drinking in the morning is considered a sign of alcohol addiction.  So just make sure to drink in the morning only on the days after you drink, like tomorrow, and you should be fine.  At least as far as you know.

Trust me... I'm a doctor.

_____________________________________________________________________________

After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future posts.

YOUR DAILY APPLE... with Dr. Pat

Bad news for yuppie parents around the world...

It's official, Baby Einstein videos do not make your baby smarter.  That's at least according to a TIME magazine article discussing several new studies that looked at vocabulary development in children who watched Baby Einstein videos.

 

The crux...  "Little Einsteins" learned 6 - 8 fewer new vocabulary words for every daily hour of video watched relative to kids who didn't watch videos. 

Personally, I don't know what kind of morons came up with that conclusion.  Of course they didn't speak as many words!  

Einstein was a genius.  He spoke in letters and numbers.  

Didn't they ever hear of E = MC² ?!?  For all we know one of those Little Einsteins has come up with the solution for cold fusion.

So all you parents relax.  You don't have to throw out your collection of educational children's DVDs.  

Go right ahead and park your child in front of the TV for hours on end so you can ignore them and keep working on your mommy-blog.  Your child will grow up to be just as an important contributor to society as you are.

Trust me... I'm a doctor.

_____________________________________________________________________________

After any DAILY APPLE post, feel free to leave comments with questions or requests for other medical topics you would like discussed in future posts.